The GOP's idea of a "universal background check"

Yesterday I tweeted something idiotic my hubby said ("Universal background checks? Why can't I keep using the ones with the nice beach picture on them?"), and today the ever-brilliant @darcrich delivered a classic comeback: "Your new GOP checks are enclosed."

Bill O'Reilly, take note: the Easter Bunny is holding an Easter gunny!

A more suitable choice for Satan

I almost forgot...@darcrich also came up with this Satan character for the History Channel's UNHOLY BABBLE miniseries, based on my historically accurate and totally factual book! I don't know about you, but I think this Satan beats the Obama look-alike in The Bible all to hell...

UNHOLY BABBLE on the History Channel!

Just like the guy who demanded that the gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster be taught alongside the "creation" story in Kansas, my awesome and super-talented disciple @darcrich has persuaded the History Channel, purveyors of The Bible, to give equal time to my equally true story, UNHOLY BABBLE! Thank you, @darcrich! Mwah, a-women, and hellalujah!

Talk about a badly drawn boy!

One of my disciples, @edeverlasting, tweeted the following:

Jesus says: "People cannot come to me unless they're drawn by the Father" --John 6:44 See ya soon! 

...and included a link to this drawing of himself, executed (so to speak) by none other than Yahweh himself:

Seems to me "the Father" is way better at drawing blood than at drawing Ed. But who am I to judge?

See ya soon, Ed!

Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder!

I've been telling people on Twitter they will greatly improve their chances of getting nailed on Valentine's Day if they give their sweetie a copy of my book, UNHOLY BABBLE. I sincerely hope they didn't take "nailed" the wrong way. Maybe I should have included a disclaimer with each tweet...

By "nailed" I mean, you know, getting "laid"...not getting "nailed," like with actual nails. I mean, duh...it's not like you're the Messiah or something! 

But Twitter doesn't seem to have a "disclaimer" feature, so I guess my followers will just have to read between the lines. And trust that I would never, ever wish crucifixion on ANY of them.

Especially followers like @darcrich, who also has tweeted some excellent suggestions for Valentine's Day, including this delicious gift idea:

If the combination of my book and a bottle of heavenly JesusWife Absinthe doesn't get you nailed on Valentine's Day, nothing will!

Happy VD, everybody, and cheers!

Who IS that in bed next to me?

...and what WAS I drinking last night?

Thanks a lot, @causticbob, for bringing to my attention this, um, memento of my indiscretion. I owe you...

Serious? Me?

My young Portuguese disciple @raquelmestre sent me this. I replied, "Because there's a war on Christmas in this country. Hadn't you heard?"

As it turns out, she had heard...because she gets Fox News. In Portugal!

Now I'm seriously depressed!